Illustration of a mouse with a flower crown and teacup in front of a bookcase

Quaintly Fig's Stories

Text: Happy birthday, Stede Bonnet, by Quaintly Fig with art by Ram Ranch; Image: Two numbered candles - a three and a zero - are lit on top of a chocolate frosted cake with cream colored fondant roses.

Rating: E
Length: 2/2 chapters, 4,832 words
Summary: “Dudes, I’m gonna fuck a virgin!” Jack hollers when he opens the door to the house.Izzy, Fang, Ivan, and Ed are on the couch, and they all turn to look at Jack, who has his arm around the waist of a classy-looking blonde man who somehow manages to look determined, frightened, and disgusted all at the same time. Jack’s hand is groping his ass.“You didn’t need to announce that, but whatever, I’ll never see any of these people again,” grumbles the blonde.The boys glance at each other for only a moment, turn back to Jack and the blonde, and all speak at once: “Fuck no.”With absolutely gorgeous artwork by Ram Ranch!

Text: Incantations: a canon-era first time fic, story by Quaintly Fig, artwork by Jenn; Lee Image: an illustration of two men from the shoulders up. They’re unclothed, laying down, eyes closed and foreheads touching holding onto each other.

Rating: E
Length: One shot, 6,285 words
Summary: Ed and Stede are caught in a winter storm and stumble upon a cabin. They’ve reconciled after Stede returned to Ed, and they are friends again, but each longs for more. As it turns out, there is only one bed in the cabin. What could possibly go right? 😘With artwork by Jenn Lee, who inspired the title and ending of this story with her work “Incantations.” This story wouldn’t be what it is at all without her inspiration and support 💖

Text: Only Fools Rush In, a first time fic by Quaintly Fig; Image: Two pillows and rumpled bed sheets

Rating: E
Length: One shot, 2,533 words
Summary: When Ed rescues a gorgeous blond from a creep by pretending to be his fiancée, they hit it off right away, and Stede asks Ed to take him home.Hand-holding, booty-shaking, shoulder-smooching, and sweet, tender, loving smut ensues!This was originally written for The A to Z of Edward Teach zine for the letter “F.”

Text: Deep Sea Wreck, story by Quaintly Fig, Story by Inkirtis; Image: In the background, a wrecked pirate on the ocean floor. A merman with a bright orange tail swims down toward a sailor dressed in all black, shoeless, with a pearl necklace.

Rating: E
Length: One shot, 4,306 words
Summary: Stede did the art for Ed’s new album, and they’ve grown close. Stede goes to every one of Ed’s shows, and Ed always has a crowd around him afterward — who wouldn’t want to be near Edward Teach? But one night when it looks like Ed will be taking someone home with him, Stede can’t take it and shows up at Ed’s place in the middle of the night.With gorgeous artwork by Inkirtis!!This story was inspired by a prompt from my Really Quite Random OFMD prompt generator :)

Text: Say 'Ah!' a first time fic by Quaintly Fig; Image: colorful toothbrushes on a neutral background

Rating: E
Length: One shot, 4,695 words
Summary: Stede has been Ed’s receptionist for three years now and has recently confessed his interest in Ed. At first Ed turns Stede down because he doesn’t want to jeopardize their friendship. But just when Ed changes his mind and broaches the topic, Calico Jack the UPS man (and Ed’s ex) shows up to deliver a package. Ed hides under Stede’s desk where he finds himself face to face with an entirely different kind of “package.” It’s silly, sexy, and sweet!This story was inspired by a prompt from my Really Quite Random OFMD prompt generator :)

Text: Stitches to Mend a meet-cute by Quaintly Fig; Image: three colorful stuffed a animals facing the viewer

Rating: G
Length: One shot, 1,547 words
Summary: Veterinarian Ed receives an after-hours call at his clinic, and the caller tells him in a sweet, lilting voice that his daughter’s “s-t-u-f-f-e-d animal” Tato is sick. Even though the clinic is closed, there’s something about this lovely-sounding man that intrigues Ed …This story was inspired by a prompt from my Really Quite Random OFMD prompt generator :)

Text: Improbably Unafraid by Quaintly Fig; Image: Line drawing of Ed and Stede holding each other closely. One of Ed’s arms is around Stede’s waist, and Stede’s arm is around Ed’s neck. Ed is gently pressing a kiss to Stede’s neck, a sweet, calm expression

Rating: T
Length: One shot, 1,734 words
Summary: Stede had a rotten date, and Ed surprises him in the middle of the night because he knows his best friend needs comforting. Small hurt, lots of tender comfort.This story was inspired by a prompt from my Getting Steamy OFMD prompt generator (nsfw).

Text: The Window at the Inn by Quaintly Fig; Image: a taper candle burns in a brass candle holder a dark blue background

Rating: E
Length: Drabble, 183 words
Summary: Stede can’t sleep and rides into town. When he peeks into a window at the inn, he sees a beautiful man, and the beautiful man sees him.

Text:The Prince's Sword-Master, story by Quaintly Fig, art by Jenn Lee; Image: Cropped image of Ed lounging mostly nude with his hands behind his head, smiling playfully

Rating: E
Length: 3/3 chapters, 4,784 words
Summary: Ed accidentally walks in on Stede reading and having a private wank. Days later when Stede goes into town and Ed finds the book, he’s curious about what turned Stede on and sits down to read it for himself.Inspired by Jenn Lee's artwork "Fine Things." This piece is used in the story with Jenn Lee's permission. 💖

Text: Hear That Lonesome Whippoorwhill, story by Quaintly Fig, ; Image: a close-up of an audobon print of a nighthawk, the bird swoops downward, wings outstretched

Rating: E
Length: 2/2 chapters + Artwork, 4,760 words
Summary: Ed connects with a newly-out man on Grindr and meets him in a motel. Stede is like no one he’s ever met, and their encounter is everything Ed never knew he wanted. But it’s just a hook-up, so what happens once it’s over?With adorable and precious artwork by smolbus!Based on a prompt from my Baby, Baby, Baby prompt generator (nsfw).The title is from Hank Williams' "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry."

Text: Drawn & Quartered by Quaintly Fig, ; Image: a photograph of a bowl of stew and bread on a rough blue and gray checked cloth

Rating: M
Length: One shot, 2,416 words
Summary: Ed wakes up in an unfamiliar place and is tended to by a monk named Stede.Stede is sweet and kind and caring, and also accidentally sexy.This was originally written for The A to Z of Edward Teach zine for the letter “Q.”

Text: Tiny Mailman Short, story by Quaintly Fig; Image: a photograph of a black, rusty mailbox that says, "U.S. MAIL"

Rating: E
Length: Ficlet, 629 words
Summary: "Mailman Stede getting blown by Ed against his mail truck while barely still wearing his tiny mailman shorts"A Gotcha for Gaza prompt fill for ghostalservice!

Text: Sated & Sure, story by Quaintly Fig; Image: a photograph an ocean wave breaking against large brown rocks, the sky is a peachy-orange-pink

Rating: E
Length: One shot, 1,663 words
Summary: "Ed and Stede, sleepy sex in the inn!" Tender, sweet, sleepy Gentlebeard sex 💞A Gotcha for Gaza prompt fill for ghostalservice!

Text: Sweet Apple Treat, by Quaintly Fig; Image: a photograph of a pastry and a blue plate on a wooden background

Rating: T
Length: One shot, 2,796 words
Summary: Ed is a courier and has a crush on the sweet blonde in the law office he frequently delivers to. Lucius invites Ed to a Halloween party, and when Stede says he hopes Ed will come, there’s no way he’s going to miss it. He just has to make one quick stop beforehand.Written for the Somethin’ Witchy Afoot event with the prompt:
🎃 Someone is running late.
🎃 The kraken & an apple fritter are involved.
🎃 Story element: only one bed

Text: The Gentleman Cowboy, story by Quaintly Fig, artwork by Gemagination; Image: Stede and Ed are visible from the chest up, their faces in profile. They are both laying on a leafy-green background, looking into each other’s eyes, calm smiles on both the

Rating: E
Length: 14/14 chapters, 27,742 words
Summary: It’s 1873 in Aotearoa, and Stede is enchanted by the American West. When his father announces that he’s to be betrothed to Mary Allamby, Stede stumbles across a matrimonial ad that seizes his imagination and lights a spark of hope within him.Rancher & inn-keeper tired of the daily grind. Seeking loyal and intelligent gentleman who isn’t ******* boring. Call me “Blackbeard.”Stede responds to the ad immediately, and the entire direction of his life changes.Written for the 2024 OFMD Big Bang with nine gorgeous pieces of artwork by the amazing Gemagination!

Text: Of Monsters & Milkmen, story by Quaintly Fig; Image: Coffee art of a cute ghost. The mug sits on a saucer and is next to some dark red leaves.

Rating: T
Length: One shot, 3,443 words
Summary: Ed & Stede meet at one of their favorite restaurants. On Halloween, Ed asks Stede to go to the carnival with him on a date. This is their Halloween date night, and it is very sweet 🧡🖤This was written for the Our Flag Means Trick-or-Treat Halloween charity zine & the Somethin' Witchy Afoot event with the prompt:
🎃 Someone is at a carnival.
🎃 A costume & kissing are involved.
🎃 Story element: a first date